I'm going to dive straight in to the nitty gritty...not blogging has made me keep a lot of stuff in my head and I need to get it out and clear some space.
A few weeks ago AF returned. My first since H was born. It was a bit of a shock. I thought breast feeding would keep her away longer but apparently not. Of course now she has returned all I can think about is baby making!
Firstly, there's the 'oh maybe we might end up with a natural miracle and not need to do IVF for a 2nd child' chain of thinking. I try not to get too caught up in this as I don't want to get my hopes up and get back on the horrible TTC merry go round spending the TWW speculating about possible pregnancy symptoms and then being bitterly disappointed month after month. Yes, it would be lovely if we could be blessed this way, but let's be honest...it didn't happen the first time round and I don't plan on wasting a lot of time playing this waiting game!
Then occasionally my mind flicks to 'another baby?!? NO!!'. I do throw this one around because maybe it would be better to be happy with our beautiful child and move on from the baby making/pregnancy/newborn stage and get on with life. I have a big list of pros for this scenario...but lots of cons too. DH isn't so keen as he would really like to try for another, but has said if I really don't want to go back for a 2nd that he could deal with it. I have always thought I wanted at least 2 children, and for the most part I still think I do want to try again.
Of course this links perfectly to chain of thought #3...'cluck cluck cluck'. I see a newborn and my heart goes all gooey. I look at newborn photos of H and my heart melts. I look back at photos of my pregnancy and my heart aches to go back and do it all again. I still miss being pregnant. I miss my belly. I miss feeling H kicking and moving inside me. I miss sleepy newborn cuddles, miss his little milk drunk smiles...all of this makes me want to get pregnant immediately and experience it all over again!!
And then my mind wanders down the road to fertility treatments. Medications, injections and getting friendly with mr dildo cam once again. The anticipation and nerves I felt waiting to hear if our embabies had survived the thaw. Mood swings and a million other side effects. The dreaded TWW. Do I really want to go through it all over again??? What if it doesn't work this time round? So many what ifs....
So my mind goes round in circles. Chopping and changing from one chain of thought to another until I make myself dizzy. I've talked over, under and around the topic with DH and I think we have come to some sort of decision.
I just need to work up the courage to make the phone call to my clinic and make an appointment. It will probably be a month or two away as my doctor is always extremely busy. There were rumors of his retirement but he changed his mind (thank goodness). In the mean time I'm technically in the TWW (well I think I ovulated just by going off my body's signs) and for once DH was home at the right time. Not getting excited or analysing things though.....
Not yet.
Haha....Once a POAS addict, always a POAS addict.
And my cupboard is well stocked.
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